My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
