Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
