i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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