Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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