Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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