last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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