Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
