My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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