I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
