was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
