yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
