If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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