someone owes me an orgasm
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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