How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
