Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
