How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
