Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
