watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Green mimosas i think yes
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
