I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
