I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
a search helicopter?!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
