he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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