sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
