Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
