I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Your penis caused this!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
