So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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