I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
