the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We just shotgunned beers for America
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
