I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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