somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
