I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
