Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
