The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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