he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
