my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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