Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
