Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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