I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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