i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
