just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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