Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
