so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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