Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
