he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
