dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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