I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize