if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
