So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
