I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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