I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
