the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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