Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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