Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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