I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
