Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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