I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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