Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
